Cognitive flexibility: Good for unbearable thoughts and feelings
Let’s face it: life comes with stress. As a therapist treating anxiety, depression and other mental health concerns in downtown Hamilton over the last 10 years, many people have shared their sources of stress with me. For some, stress comes from a repeating thought that just won’t go away. For others, stress comes from feeling responsible to care for everyone else. Stress may also come from a sense of powerlessness to change much of anything around you. Whatever the reason for your stress, it can lead you to taking unwanted actions, like snapping at people you care about, shutting down emotionally, avoiding decisions, or distracting with food, alcohol, screens, or staying “busy”.
When clients come to me because the stress in their life is unbearable, I work with them to implement the concept of cognitive flexibility, which is about trying to live your best life while experiencing stress, rather than trying to eliminate stress altogether (because no one - even the person you think has it all together - truly lives stress-free.)
In this blog, I’m going to tell you a bit about cognitive flexibility so that you can care better for your mental health and—if you’re currently attending therapy—get more out of your appointments.
What is cognitive flexibility?
Cognitive flexibility is not about turning you into a blissed-out ray of sunshine. It means noticing all the noise in your mind, identifying what is important in all that noise, and living with meaning and virtue, even when things are hard.
The concept of cognitive flexibility comes from a field of study called Relational Frame Theory which is closely tied to a mode of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (frequently referred to as ACT, pronounced like the verb act, not the letters a - c - t). I have several years of training and practice with ACT, and have seen how this approach can be beneficial to clients. Over my next few blog posts, I’ll be discussing the following in depth, to help you get the most out of your mental health and wellbeing:
Acceptance – This doesn’t mean giving up or “just dealing with it.” It means dropping the struggle with thoughts and feelings you can’t control. Instead of fighting anxiety or stuffing down anger, you learn to make space for it. To practice this kind of acceptance doesn’t mean pretending something wrong is right. It means accepting that your feelings and thoughts are going to keep happening regardless of if you want them or even if they are helpful.
Defusion – Our minds are great storytellers, but not always accurate ones. “I’m not good enough,” “What’s the point?” “She’s probably mad at me,” and “I can stop drinking after just one more big night out,” are all common stories we tell ourselves. When you can defuse, you begin to notice these thoughts as stories which may or may not be helpful rather than a mandate for a certain response.
Being present – Ever get stuck reliving a mistake or worrying about what could go wrong? As your cognitive flexibility grows, you can anchor yourself in what is observable right now—so you can respond to that, rather than a story in your mind.
Self-as-context – Instead of being totally wrapped up in the words you use to describe yourself (such as “provider,” “parent,” “caregiver,” “professional”), you learn to see yourself as more complicated and interesting than the word you use to describe yourself. You realize that your self is bigger than the words you use to describe it and you are watching those descriptions happen in your mind rather than being bound by them.
Values – These are the things that truly matter about how you approach life. How much you have to give might be out of your control, but being a generous person isn’t. How much risk you have to take might not be in your control but being courageous with that risk is. Values are the things, often defined in a meaningful community, that point towards the good life. Values provide orientation points through all the chaos of thoughts and feelings in the day-to-day of living with yourself.
Committed action – This is about doing what matters, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about taking steps—big or small—toward a life defined by the values.
Cognitive flexibility isn’t about being perfect or positive all the time. It’s not even about being aware all the time. It’s about learning to respond within your values rather than reacting compulsively to your thoughts. It helps you navigate stress, doubt, and setbacks without getting stuck—and gives you the tools to move forward with purpose and strength. If you’re interested in learning how I can help you grow your cognitive flexibility, book a free 15-minute consultation with me.
-Scott
