The price men pay to avoid looking queer

Happy Pride Month!

Pride Month is a great time to celebrate the diversity of gender and sexuality among all of us. It’s a chance to celebrate the queer community and affirm the inherent goodness of being queer, especially as queer people continue to face discrimination and hate. As a therapist working in downtown Hamilton treating anxiety and depression with people of a broad range of orientation and identity, I would also offer that Pride is good not just for the queer community: Celebrating Pride is good for everybody, and uniquely good for men.  

One thing I have noticed in my 10 years as a therapist is the fear of looking queer or being associated with queerness significantly degrades men’s mental health. From a young age, men and boys are often shamed for behaviour that might remotely be connected to queerness. As a result, they often become rigid, unable to live as meaningfully as they could, because they are constantly guarding against the risk of looking queer. These masking behaviours are often the case for men who identify as queer and for those who don’t. The more that men learn to challenge the fear of looking queer, the more rich and interesting their lives can become.  

Here are some ways that a fear of looking queer can degrade a man’s life:

The fear of looking queer can limit a man’s emotional range

From a young age, boys are often taught to suppress feelings like sadness or tenderness to avoid being labeled queer and losing their identity as a man. This tends to happen to men regardless of their sexual orientation. I remember crying as a teen boy, my pain too much to bear inside, and have slurs about sexual orientation thrown at me. It added insult to injury. I’m sure other guys like me can relate. It makes sense that men and boys will limit themselves from expressing their feelings to prevent the painful experience of having their feelings not only dismissed, but rejected or deemed shameful. For straight men, internalizing their feelings can lead to poor mental health and strained relationships. For queer men, they may find themselves living in fear of being found out or confirming some hateful stereotype. For men of any orientation, bottling up their emotions will almost always result in an explosion of rage, which can hurt others and themselves. 

The fear of looking queer can make a man more isolated 

Men who display emotional warmth, tenderness, and physical affection have long been associated with femininity or queerness. As a result, men may fear that showing care will lead to ridicule or rejection. A hug for a friend that lasts too long can be seen as looking queer, so boys just stop hugging their friends. An expression of empathy when hearing someone else’s sadness is equally risky. Even worse, acknowledging when a joke hurts can seem unachievable with the pressure of the fear that this will make a boy or man look queer. This pressure to avoid looking queer discourages acts of kindness by men, reinforcing the idea that caring is unmanly. Over time, this fear-based self-censorship can lead to emotional isolation and difficulty forming deep, supportive relationships. When men can’t emotionally connect or offer care and affection towards others, they will find themselves alone. 

The fear of looking queer can cost a man relationships with queer people 

When a man is scared of looking queer, his friendships with queer (or “seemingly” queer) people often become strained, distant, or even non-existent. He may avoid forming close relationships with queer individuals out of discomfort and fear of being associated with queerness or confirming his own queerness. If a friend comes out as 2SLGBTQ+, he might react with rejection, judgment, or withdrawal, prioritizing his need to maintain a socially acceptable masculine image over the friendship. Even if he remains in contact with a queer friend, the fear of being labeled as queer can create emotional distance, leading to shallow or conditional relationships where the queer person doesn’t feel fully seen or accepted. This hurts for both sides of the relationship. 

A man without queer friends may miss out on valuable perspectives, emotional depth, and opportunities for personal growth. Without exposure to 2SLGBTQ+ experiences, he might remain confined to a narrow view of identity, relationships, and masculinity. Put another way, a straight man will need queer friends to challenge a restrictive performance of masculinity and a queer man will need queer friends to affirm that being queer is something beautiful to be proud of. Queerness is a natural beautiful part of being a human being and the man afraid of looking queer misses out on so much of that richer version of life.

The fear of looking queer can impact a man’s ability to nurture and affirm his identity

Caring for another person requires being open to your own emotions. Men can miss out on being truly supportive fathers, coaches, teachers, mentors, and friends if they can’t take the risk to look queer. As a father, this concept is ironic for me. I have never been as assured of my own masculinity as when I am playing with dolls or dancing with my daughters. Being truly masculine means giving up the fear of looking queer. I hope I am not the only one who believes that being a strong, warm, caring presence to the people I love is so much more important to the way I think of myself as a man than avoiding a judgement I was taught as a kid.

Next steps

If you are finding that fear or looking queer (whether you are straight or not) is impairing your life, consider booking a session with me to see how I might be able to help. I offer free 15-minute telephone consultations. Book now.