How to get a man or boy to go to therapy

As a therapist who has over 10 years of experience providing individual therapy for anxiety or depression with men and boys in downtown Hamilton, I will often get calls from mothers, daughters, sons, wives, husbands, and partners asking: “How do I get the man/boy I love to go to therapy?” Usually, the man or boy’s loved one is seeing the signs that he is struggling with his mental health (gambling, drinking, drug use, anger, not sleeping, avoiding the kids, receding into games, etc.). But each time they bring up therapy, it just seems to make him shut down or lash out. If you are in this situation, it is not your responsibility to manage this man or boy's mental health and no one can be made to go to therapy. 

That being said, here are a couple do’s and don’ts to help bring up therapy to a guarded man or boy in a more effective way:

DO: Start by expressing care for the man or boy you are talking to

Begin the conversation by letting him know that you care deeply about him and want to be in the relationship you have with him. Make the idea of therapy about extending what is valuable, not correcting the way he is insufficient for your expectations. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about what you said that was bothering you, and I don’t want that to keep you from living the life I know you want.” For a lot of men and boys, shame is the enemy, and for many males, the worst kind of shame is about being incompetent. This shame makes it hard to ask for or acknowledge care, but when the care comes it means so much.  By starting with genuine care, you can help lower his defenses to that shame and make it clear that this isn’t about competence or failure but about love.

DO: Talk about feelings or thoughts he has shared that bother him

Refer to specific times he’s opened up about things that are hard for him, whether it’s stress, anger, sadness, or feeling stuck. Say something like, “You mentioned the other day how overwhelmed you’ve been feeling at work.” This shows that you’ve been listening and that your concern is grounded in his reality. Or you can try something along the lines of, “You were saying how much you missed getting out with your friends since we moved and I was thinking that taking some time to talk about your feelings would be relieving for you.” This shows that you are listening and you care about how he is experiencing his mental health.  

DO: Bring up examples of other men’s success in therapy you may know of

It can help to normalize therapy by sharing stories of other men who’ve benefited from it, especially if they’re people he respects or can relate to. You could say something like, “Your friend James started therapy last year and said it really helped him manage stress and act more confident.” This can reduce stigma and show that therapy isn’t just for people in crisis; it’s for growth and self-understanding too.

DO: Share how you hope therapy will make his life better for him

Focus on what therapy could do for him, not what you want from him. Say something like, “I really think talking to someone could help you have another place to reflect on what is important for you. You have so much stress, I think you deserve a little help with it.” Emphasizing his well-being, rather than your desire for him to change, keeps the conversation centered on his needs and strengths.

DON’T: Bring up therapy as a solution when in a fight

Mentioning therapy is an understandable response to finding out about another instance of a behaviour you hate in the man or boy you love, but in the heat of the moment, bringing up therapy just associates therapy with that shame of being not enough. Bringing up therapy during an argument can sound like an attack or an insult, even if you mean well. Saying “You need therapy” in a heated moment often lands as criticism, not care. It’s better to wait for a calm, respectful time when emotions aren’t flaring, so the conversation can be thoughtful and collaborative.

DON’T: Make therapy a punishment

Framing therapy as something someone has to do because they’re broken, difficult, or “too much” can make it feel shameful or punitive. This is especially the case if you are a parent trying to get your son to go to therapy. Avoid language like, “Because of your mistake, you need to go fix it in therapy.” Instead, make it clear that therapy is a tool for empowerment and healing, not a penalty.

DON’T: Use therapy-speak

Avoid the language you find on the internet about mental health. While the internet and theories/language related to mental health may be helpful to understand your own experience, when it gets applied to a man or boy you think needs therapy, it might be less helpful. You don’t need to be an expert with authoritative language to be persuasive. You need to be the person expressing love and caring about someone who is hurting. Speak from your perspective about what you see that might hurt for them and let them come to more technical language later. It may be more empowering if they find it on their own, or it might not be necessary for their healing.

Next steps

If you're trying to support a man or boy in your life who may be struggling, remember that your role isn't to fix him, but to walk alongside him with care and compassion. Therapy can be a powerful space for healing, growth, and self-discovery, especially when it’s entered on one’s own terms. If he’s ready, or if you're looking for a therapist with experience supporting men and boys with individual therapy in Hamilton, I invite you to learn more by learning more about me or contacting me to set up a free 15 minute phone consultation. 

-Scott