Values: Getting to What Really Matters in Therapy
Values: Getting to What Really Matters in Therapy
At the start of therapy session, in my downtown Hamilton office, when I ask people what they hope to accomplish together,the answer is often “I just want to feel happy again.” That makes sense. People often come to therapy because they are unhappy and are feeling fear, anger, or sadness. And, for myself, I would choose feeling happy over any other feeling too. The problem is that therapy, when it works well, doesn’t focus on delivering happiness. This is because happiness comes and goes depending on context; I don’t know anyone who can reliably be happy if they are running from a bear or just lost their wallet! Instead of chasing after happiness in therapy, we should work towards something much richer: living a valuable life. Sometimes, living a valuable life will produce happiness. And sometimes, it won’t. The unhappy parts of a life that are guided by values are so much more tolerable than the meaningless chase to feel better. Let’s take a look here at what values mean in therapy and how a shift to focusing on values can be a better use of time.
What Are Values in Therapy?
Values are not goals, feelings, or moral judgments. They’re not things you can tick off a list or something you “achieve.” Instead, values are ongoing directions for how you want to live your life. Values are always accessible at the moment. For example I can find ways to practice integrity in any moment. When I am afraid, because I don’t know the answer to a simple question, I can always demonstrate the integrity of acknowledging that I don’t know. Values are also never complete. For example, I will never be able to say that I have perfected acting with integrity and stop working on this value just because I admitted when I didn’t know something once. Values reflect what kind of person you want to be, how you want to treat others, and what you want to stand for. You will never perfectly live your values, but you can move in that direction every day, even when life is hard, and even when progress is slow.
The Difference Between Values and Goals
It’s easy to confuse values with goals, so let’s clarify. A goal is something you can complete or accomplish: get a degree, buy a house, lose ten pounds. A value is the quality of action you want to bring to your goals or daily life, such as being curious, generous, loyal, creative, or brave.
Let’s say your value is health. A goal might be running a marathon. But whether or not you run the race, you can still live out your value of health by walking regularly, eating mindfully, or going to therapy. Even if you get injured and can’t run, you can still act in line with your value.
When life inevitably throws obstacles in your way, values help you stay grounded and keep moving forward with purpose.
Why Values Matter
Living out of alignment with your values often leads to a sense of frustration, futility and emptiness. You may or may not look successful on the outside but that achieving those goals won’t yield the internal results might have hoped for. On the other hand, when you take action based on your values—even if the results aren’t perfect—you tend to feel more alive, more at peace, and more like yourself.
Many people start therapy assuming their values are not worth examining, either the topic of values is so obvious that it isn’t worth examining or living out values feels so out of reach that a person would rather just work on avoiding painful thoughts. When we can make that hopeful shift to identifying values and how they come to life, you can feel the world open up and true cognitive flexibility come in.
I truly wish I could guarantee a pain-free life to the people I work with, even though I know I cannot. But I continue to work with the belief that a meaningful life is possible, even with pain. If you're showing up for your kids, your community, your work, or your growth—even when it's hard—that pain becomes part of something larger, not just something to avoid.
How to Discover Your Values
Values can feel so big and abstract that they are hard to even name. Often it takes working with a professional to help clarify what values are at play in certain areas of your life. But it doesn’t always take that professional work to get started on clarifying your values. Here are some questions that can help:
When have I felt proud of how I handled something, even if it was difficult?
Who do I admire, and what qualities do they live by?
What do I want to be remembered for?
What kind of relationships do I want to build?
How do I want to treat myself and others?
As you reflect, you might notice patterns—like fairness, kindness, authenticity, perseverance, or learning. These are clues to your values.
Living Your Values Day to Day
Once you have a sense of what matters to you, the next step is to take action. This doesn’t mean overhauling your life overnight. Small, intentional steps matter. Maybe it’s calling a friend, brushing your teeth, making some art, or focusing on a particularly difficult interaction at work. The key is to start with a plan based on values and keep those values front of mind when plans inevitably change.
And if you get off track? That’s part of the process. Values are always available to return to. Each moment is a new opportunity to realign with what matters.
Final Thought
Defining your values isn’t about becoming a perfect person, it’s about finding ways to move towards meaningful living. When you act from your values, you create a life that’s not just reactive or dictated by fear, but one that’s led by purpose, clarity, and heart.
If you feel you could benefit from exploring your values and putting them into action, then I am here to help. Book a free 15-minute consultation or an appointment with me.
